Lonely
by HelikaAkileh
Summary: It was out of loneliness, wasn't it? Kagome had said that the jewel never granted your real wish. His real wish was to become a daiyoukai, wasn't it? InuKag One-shot.


Lonely.

It was out of loneliness, wasn't it?

Kagome had said that the jewel never granted your real wish. Naraku wanted to be with Kikyou, but he couldn't have her. Kagome had wanted to go home, but that would've been an illusion. The Shikon no Tama, though born from the battle of good against evil, was only the latter. It was only looking after itself, driven by self-preservation.

It left him wondering, just what would have happened if he and Kikyou actually fulfilled their promise to each other? Maybe the jewel would've let them. Or maybe it wanted to use Kikyou the same way it had wanted Kagome? He didn't know.

What he did know was that if things had gone that way, if he ended up a human to be with Kikyou, it wouldn't have been his actual wish. At the time he thought he would trade his desire to be a full-demon to being fully human instead. His real wish was to become a daiyoukai, wasn't it?

Looking back he admits, that probably wasn't the case. The deeper, the _deepest_ wish he had locked away in his heart was to end it. End the loneliness. End the torment of being isolated from either side. He wanted someone to accept him. It didn't matter which side, really, but if he had the choice...

He knew what being human was like. He saw his mother deteriorate from illness that only humans could succumb to so easily. He felt what it was to be human every night of the new moon: how his senses were dull, how everything was harder, how the emptiness inside him amplified. He saw how shitty human children and adults were to him. It was the same level of cruelty without all the power to defend themselves against anything substantial. Being a human was to be a weak, vile creature. Why would he want to fit in with them?

Because of Kikyou.

Maybe not because he loved her, or maybe because he did. He was willing to do it to give her what she wanted, to make her happy. She wanted to be normal. Whether or not his presence was necessary to her was some foggy territory, but for all intents and purposes, he thought that she wanted him with her. She wanted them to be normal together.

It wasn't out of hatred for his hanyou self that she wanted him to turn human. It was her own wish to live life as a normal woman. That lifestyle didn't include a husband that was half demon.

Did she use him? No, he didn't think she was that selfish. It was possible that she saw him as her chance at the life she could have. It was like a trade. Being with Kikyou meant he wouldn't be alone anymore, and he could save her from her duties as the guardian of the jewel. It would be mutually beneficial. She'd be free and normal, he'd be normal too, which was good because then... he'd what? Fit in?

Nah, he didn't really care about that.

But that's how it would've been, huh? Fitting in would have meant that he wouldn't be alone anymore. Turning human for Kikyou would mean they could spend the rest of their lives _together_ instead of him wandering around without a soul to connect to.

Still, he rather not give up his senses. He was willing to for her, for the chance at a life with her, but in all honesty he still would rather have been a full demon than a human.

It wasn't until later that he got a taste of what it'd actually be like. The bloodlust, the rage, the thrill of hunting and ripping things with his claws. Though his memories were mostly in bits and pieces, it distinctly felt _wrong_.

He knew that it was because he was a hanyou. If the jewel erased his human blood, maybe he would've been like his brother, would've been able to control it. But what about his soul? His human heart? Would the jewel have replaced that as well?

If the answer was no, then his demon blood would've devoured him. He would've lost his humanity just like he always did and he'd end up a blood thirsty monster that only knew how to kill.

If the answer was yes, then who would he have been afterwards? Emotionless like Sesshomaru? Rash and instinctual like Kouga? At best he would be like his father, or how everyone talked about him at least. He didn't know.

And it didn't matter anymore.

It didn't matter anymore because of Kagome.

He didn't need to make a wish to change himself.

Even if the jewel hadn't been corrupt, if it actually granted the wish that you asked for, he no longer had a desire to wish upon it. He didn't feel like he had to change.

It was out of loneliness. It was because he had been so alone for so long that he wanted to become a full youkai, so that he could fit into that world and be worth something. It was because he had never been accepted that he was so ready and willing to drop his aspirations in order to live with Kikyou.

But then Kagome happened.

Then Kagome came through that stupid, wonderful, terrible, miraculous well and gave him everything. She accepted him from the start, even _liked_ him, _loved_ him the way that he was. She didn't want him to change.

So why did he hold on to that dream of becoming a full-demon for so long?

After everything that happened with Kikyou, he didn't want to fall for the same thing again. He didn't want to put his heart, that stupid human heart of his, on the line just to have everything taken from him in an instant. If he had trusted her back then, maybe he would have been human now. He would live the rest of his life _normal_ with Kikyou, never knowing someone who could love him just as he was. No one would.

So when Kagome popped into his life he just couldn't wrap his head around it. He couldn't believe that someone could so readily accept him. Even so, Kagome was from a strange world and didn't understand what it meant to be a hanyou. She'd be out of his life soon enough anyways. That's what he thought. She'd be gone as soon as the jewel shards were all collected, and go back to _her normal life_ in her weird future world, and that would be the end of it.

But then he started to realize that she was the reason he was alive. All those years being alone and feeling worthless came to a crashing halt the second she entered his life. Everything he had gone through brought him to her, and she became his home. She gave him hope, brought him laughter and fun, she gave him friends that he wouldn't have spared a passing glance to if she hadn't been around. And they probably wouldn't have cared about him either, had it not been for Kagome and her honesty. And she was just so damn honest. The most honest person he knew. She said she was angry when she was angry, let her happiness be known, and her frustration was as apparent as her love. That's the reason he trusted her. She wouldn't lie to him, wouldn't use him or betray him.

So when she said she wanted to stay by his side, despite everything, he knew she meant it. Did anyone else know what that fucking _meant_? It meant that she wanted to stay with him despite how he chose Kikyou, despite how angry he made her, despite the fact that she was giving up her entire _normal_ life to be with him. Kagome said that she couldn't compete with Kikyou because she was alive, because she hadn't given up her life to be with him, but god _damn _was she ever wrong. She was willing to give up everything, forsake her world, just to _be_ with _him_.

Why? Why the hell would she do that? He didn't deserve it, didn't deserve her, didn't deserve the happiness that she brought him so thoughtlessly, the love, love, _love_ that poured from her heart when she wept for him, or smiled at him, or ran to his side despite the perils around her.

Then she had to go and say the most ludicrous thing he had ever heard. She said that she liked him the way he was. She spent so long trying to convince him of that with her words and her actions. That human heart he hated, the thing brought him so much pain? She loved that part of him. The ears that gave away his demon heritage? She adored those. She was amazed at his strength, his ability to smell and hear things an ordinary human could not. More than that, she believed in his power, she thought and urged him that he didn't need to change.

Even if he believed her, he held fast to his wish to become a full youkai, but by then he had changed his motives. He already had a place to fit in, a place to belong now that she was with him. Now it was a matter of making sure it stayed that way. Becoming a real daiyoukai meant acquiring the kind of strength and power that he knew would allow him to protect her. Being a full demon meant that Kagome would always be out of harm's way.

It's funny, because he still was a bit paranoid even now, years later. He still worried that he wasn't strong enough to keep her safe from everything. But she constantly reminded him that he was enough, more than enough. He'd pushed himself beyond his limitations countless times to rescue her, reach her. And he knew it too, couldn't deny how she made him feel so capable. He would move heaven and earth and hell for the girl who changed his entire world. For the girl who turned his self-hatred and his disgust towards himself into knowing that he was important and wanted for the person he was.

He didn't need to change. She made him realize that he never _wanted_ to change. He had longed, deep in his heart, to be accepted as himself. She did that and more. She _loved _him. Kagome loved _him_. And _gods_ how he loved her.

"What are you doing looking all wistful over there?" comes her (beautiful) voice. It calls him out of his reverie like a light in the dark.

"Keh. Nothing." He drops down from the high branch he had been on and meets her amused eyes. "You done training for the day?"

"Mhmm!" she hums positively. "With all this herbal knowledge I've managed to cram into my head I think I would have done really well studying medicine or biology back in my time."

"Bi...olo...gy?" the foreign word leaves his mouth feeling lopsided. It makes her giggle which makes him almost smile, though he tries to frown through it.

"It's more school stuff. I thought I'd be done with that when I came back here, but I think I'm doing more studying under Kaede baa-chan than I would've gotten in college."

He knows how much she had hated studying, especially that _ma-ath_ thing that would also get her angry and frustrated. He worries that she's not enjoying her time here. Flashbacks of a sad Kikyou, burdened by her duties, made him panic for a split second.

"Don't stress out about it. That woman loves to ramble."

Kagome knows him well enough so she understands he doesn't mean anything against Kaede, but she admonishes him with a simple, stern, "Inuyasha." She drops it fast and her face returns to a pleasant, calm smile. "If I'm going to live here I want to know everything I can. Don't you want to be proud of your wife?"

He turns his head to the side, his face feeling warm from the reminder. It's still a strange concept to think they've been promised to each other, that he can actually call her _his_. "Keh! You say that like I'm not. Since when did you care about impressing me anyways?" She certainly didn't need to try.

"Oh shush, you." She gets on her tiptoes and places the quickest kiss on his forehead.

It's nearly sunset now, and he is well-aware of their established routine. Without being prompted, he kneels down so that she can climb onto his back. Her weight is easy to manage and comfortably familiar. Her scent wraps around his nose, and he is pleased at the thought that it will coat his back for a while.

As soon as they've fit themselves together (it feels like two halves joining perfectly), he's off. His feet carry him in bounds towards their spot. Kagome doesn't say anything, choosing instead to look around and take in her surroundings.

He hears her sigh and hum a happy breath.

Within the next few minutes they're there with time to spare. The sky is turning yellow and pink at the very edge, the sun a bright orange orb sinking downwards. They've been watching the sunset together nearly everyday for a while now. Sometimes they talk through it, other times they watch it contentedly in silence.

It was almost symbolic. Kagome had been like his sun, lighting up his entire life. When she was gone for three years, he was left in the dark again. He'd watch the sun set on his own, looking at the twinkling sky and think about her, waiting for the sun to come up again, for her to come back to him.

It's in this moment that he can soak up the fact that she is there, present with him. He takes in how lovely she is in the warm glow of the setting sun. He wouldn't change a thing about her, about this moment, about himself, even.

"Now who's the one looking all wistful?" he says with a soft smirk.

She turns and grabs his hand with a smile on her face. "I was thinking about how happy I am with you."

"Oh yeah?" He squeezes her hand instead of trying to reciprocate with too many words. He's not good with those.

"Yes. Very."

Well, he supposes he could try.

"I was thinking the same thing earlier."

The smile she gives is more beautiful and brilliant than any sunset or sunrise he had ever seen in his life.

Gods how he had been lonely without her.

He wasn't anymore.


End file.
